Shorter Top News Stories

Shorter John McCain on the Webb Amendment, "Suck it up!":

You are all wimps! No one specified a minimum time for my deployment while in a POW camp for 7 years.

Shorter George Bush press conference, "I'm the Grader! Nelson Mandela was murdered by Saddam Hussein":

'F' to Congress for wanting health insurance for children. 'A' for me when I veto it. 'B' for me in Econ 101 (up from the 'C' actually received in college). 'A' for me for tax cuts and being fiscally responsible (for turning a budget surplus into massive deficit and adding $4 trillion to the National Debt). 'F' for me in history and foreign affairs with Mandela is dead statement.

Shorter 24-hour cycle cable "news":

Nothing from Paris, Lindsey in rehab, Britney is fat, LOOK THE OJ SIDESHOW IS BACK!