Dick Cheney has got a gun

It was State of the Union night before the gathering press pool
Everyone was there, it was totally cool
I was so excited, I was absolutely bent
'Cause my best friend Dick was Vice President

He looked so tough in his sear-sucker suit
Standing on the podium with his flag pin to boot
Holding this violin case in his hands
He looked straight out of Good Fellas
You know like a wise guy?

The crowd was cheering, everyone was stoked
It was like the President was totally coked, or something
The band was playing "Hail to the Chief"
When all of a sudden, somebody screamed,

"Look out! The Vice President’s got a gun!"

Everybody run, the Vice President’s got a gun
Everybody run, Dick Cheney has got a gun

Dick's smiling and waving his gun
Picking off Congressional Members one by one
Oh, Hillary's purse just blew to bits
Oh no, Leahy's head just did the splits
God, the Vice President’s on a shooting spree
Stop it, Dick, you're embarrassing the GOP!

Everybody run, the Vice President’s got a gun
Everybody run, Dick Cheney has got a gun
Stop it, Dick, you're making a mess
Powder burns all over before the President’s address

An hour later the cops arrived
By then the entire SCOTUS had died--No big loss
You should have seen what they brought to stop him
Tear gas, machine guns--even the missing body armor

"Throw down your gun and flag pin and come off of the podium."

Dick didn't listen to what the cop said
He aimed and fired and now the Majority Leader’s dead
Oh, it's really sad, but kind of a relief
I mean, we had this big vote coming up next week.

Everybody run, the Vice President’s got a gun
Everybody run, Dick Cheney has got a gun
He's really having a blast
He's wasting half of the Congress

The cops fired a warning shot that blew him to the floor
I tried to scream "Dick!" but my mouth was full of gore
He hit the ground and did a flip, it was really a drama
But I was crying so hard I couldn't work my phone camera

I ran down to Dick
I had to find out
Why'd he do it?
What made him freak out?

I saw the bullet had got him right in the ear
It was then I knew the end was near

So, I ran down and I said, in his good ear
"Dick, why'd you do it?"
He raised his head and said
"I-I did it for National Security."

National Security?
Well, like, what's National Security?
Answer me Dick, what's National Security?
Does anybody here know National Security?
Do you know National Security?
There was one guy named Clark, but he was a total geek and always worried about al-Qaeda
Answer me Dick what's National Security?

Oh, god this is like that movie Citizen Kane
You know where you later find out Rosebud was the sled
And now we'll never know what National Security is,
'Cause, like, he's dead

Everybody run, Dick Cheney has got a gun....

(adapted from Julie Brown's "The Homecoming Queen has Got a Gun")

PSA: Remember kids, don't drink and shoot. Be like Dick and always drink your beer before shooting because you need to use both hands to aim.